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Still handsome, the black mustache of his playing days is gone, replaced with a salt-and-pepper beard. When he stands up, his shoulders are muscular, and he looks a decade younger than At the far end of the Mexican restaurant just off the highway in a Dallas suburb, he slides into a booth. The restaurant is half-full for lunch, and the pop music on the speakers drowns out any noise. Each time the waiter leaves, he glances back at Palmeiro. His curiosity is more academic.

He studies him. He knows this man, of course. We all do. He was once a sure-fire baseball Hall of Famer. Palmeiro smiles politely. But now he wants to empty his soul. When the waiter leaves he turns his shoulders to face me. In Marchsteroids had moved from a baseball problem to a national dilemma.

And a month earlier, Jose Canseco released his tell-all memoir, claiming some of the biggest names in the game -- including Palmeiro -- were users. As he entered likely his final season, the year-old craved something more than statistics.

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This is the guy we want for the face of baseball. During Spring Training, he flew to Washington, D. Palmeiro, with his relatively average build, positioned himself as the antithesis to the scientifically cultivated baseball superheroes.

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Congressman Tom Davis, who organized the hearing, felt Palmeiro was so believable he invited him to the newly formed Zero Tolerance committee to speak to kids about the dangers of steroids. Palmeiro was adamant he was innocent and ordered an appeal. He claimed the positive result was likely from a tainted B vitamin vial injected by his wife and given to him by teammate Miguel Tejada. He played on, marching toward a historic milestone. But a fuse had been lit. Just after the All-Star break, in a game in Seattle, he worked the count, then slapped a double the opposite way to left -- it was classic Palmeiro.

He became just the fourth player in major-league history -- alongside Willie Mays, Hank Aaron and Eddie Murray -- to reach both home runs and now 3, hits. The baseball world paused. Fans in Seattle stood to pay their respects, while his teammates rushed onto the field to encircle him. Behind closed doors, his case was heard by an arbitration panel.

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The Players Association produced of another test, three weeks after the initial sample, that came back negative along with tests in and that were negativeand the result of a polygraph test they claimed proved his innocence. With no other options before his suspension was announced, Palmeiro scrolled through his Rolodex -- he was close with the two most powerful baseball men in the country.

His first play was to call then-Commissioner Bud Selig. But Selig, Palmeiro remembers, was dismissive. Palmeiro hung up the phone and, hoping for a stay at the 11th hour, called an old friend from his days with the Texas Rangers. George W. In the bottom of the ninth on July 31, Palmeiro hit a meaningless single to left field in a meaningless home game against the Chicago White Sox. With the suspension looming, after the game, and without a word to his teammates, he collected his belongings and jetted off to Teterboro, New Jersey, with his wife Lynne and two sons, who were now aware of his situation.

When he woke up the next day, the explosion, and subsequent damage, was cataclysmic and total. Selig announced a game suspension, making Palmeiro the first star to be suspended for steroids. When his suspension finished, he returned to the field on what was supposed to be Rafael Palmeiro Appreciation Day in Baltimore. Instead he was greeted with a mix of boos and chants of his name. Over the next few games, one of the great hitters of his generation was a shell of himself. Your dad, a Cuban exile surrounded by Cuban Teterboro NJ cheating wives, is leaning on the other side of the fence. Three years earlier, your parents left everything behind in Havana hoping to give you and your two brothers a better life, but the rank poverty and oppression of Liberty City has worn on the family.

Naturally introspective, you search for outlets, but nothing yet makes sense. But then here you are, holding a bat, and it all falls into place — your arms and legs know what to do. As the Teterboro NJ cheating wives comes, you can feel your dad glaring at you. When you swing, the contact is pure. The ball sails over the right fielder.

When you round third, you look over and your father is beaming. From then on baseball becomes not an obsession, but your sustenance. After the Orioles let him go, Palmeiro tried to stay in shape, hoping for an offer the next year, but no one was willing to take a flyer on a year-old with a steroid past. His TV would flicker in his room, but he rarely watched it. Lynne wanted to get out of Dallas and take a vacation somewhere. A first-team All-American, he was too shy to introduce himself, so he sent his friend to ask if she would come over and talk.

She was stunning. A perpetual optimist, she grew up in a rural home outside of Tupelo, Mississippi, her graduating high school class was 48 people. So sure of his ability, he tore through the minor Teterboro NJ cheating wives and was called up to the majors within a year. Before his debut he stood in front of his locker visualizing his first at-bat, just as his dad had taught him. All-Stars Ryne Sandberg and Rick Sutcliffe walked over to the rookie and inspected his aging cleats, which were held together by tape, then tossed them in the garbage.

He matured quickly into one of the most consistent hitters in the game, and soon his first son Patrick was born, followed by Preston 5 years later. He agonized over how to tell them what was going on. Since he was growing up in Miami, hitting a baseball was a solvable equation -- his mind was structured to decipher it. But this was different. But who could possibly understand? Meanwhile, Congress had opened up a perjury investigation against Palmeiro from his testimony in March Ex-teammates, fear of guilt by association, all but avoided him, and baseball fans had begun to wonder if his entire persona was contrived.

One evening, former Oriole Brian Roberts texted him. Roberts, though, said he had mistakenly texted Palmeiro instead of another teammate. They spoke for a couple minutes anyway -- it was cordial, nothing more. Then at a youth summer league game, he exploded. His sons were now local stars. Patrick was a hard-hitting third baseman at Heritage High School, while Preston was a left-handed first baseman in local youth leagues with the same sweet swing as his dad. During a summer tournament, Preston had been struggling through a slump, before doubling off the fence.

Then, in the next at-bat, he belted the ball clean over the fence and over the trees directly behind center field. Palmeiro, who was near the dugout when someone told him what the parent said, turned and bounded up the steps to confront the woman, leaning over her.

Frustrated at her husband, at baseball, at her own crumbling family, she too screamed at the parent.

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The crowd was silent, the game stopped. Palmeiro looked around, then slunk back down to the dugout. You can still see the thre spinning. In your darkest hours, this is what you cling to, like sucking a pacifier. Head down.

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Hips turn. Rounding the bases, your feet never touch the ground. The Mexican restaurant is deed like a hacienda ranch -- wood beams and stone pillars. Palmeiro fidgets in his seat and moves to the corner of the booth, one leg up. After telling of the suspension announcement during the dark days ofhe looks right at me.

I could see that happening on the road in Boston or Toronto. People are bad, throwing stuff at me. An autographed card from Palmeiro's Cubs days.

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